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Never wrestle with a pig. You'll both get filthy, but the pig loves it.
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Another one from Grandad:

Abe: "I wish I could buy a battleship."

Zeke: "Why on earth do you want a battleship?"

Abe: "I don't. I just want the money."


2013-08-26 03:30
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Another story from Grandad:

Abe: "That means a fight where I come from!"
Zeke: "Then why ain't you fighting?"
Abe: "Because I ain't where I come from."

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One of Grandad's stories:

Abe asked to borrow Zeke's car.  "Treat it as if it were your own", said Zeke, as he handed over the keys.

So he did.  He sold it.
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One of Grandad's stories:

Once there was a guy in an insane asylum who sat around all day completely naked except for a hat.

"Why don't you wear any clothes?", a nurse asked.

"Ahh, why bother?  Nobody ever comes to visit."

"Then why the hat?"

"Somebody might!"
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One of Grandad's stories:

Once a guy was driving through a deserted section of town late at night and had a flat tire.  As he got out to change the tire, he noticed that he was right next to the state insane asylum -- and that one of the inmates was watching him from a heavily-barred window.  This made him nervous.  He jacked up the car and got the wheel off with no problem, but as he was wrestling with the spare tire, he kicked over the hubcap with the lug nuts in it -- and they promptly rolled down a storm drain.  He was near panic.  He didn't have spare lug nuts, he had no idea where the nearest open gas station was, and there was a crazy guy watching him.  He tried to get into the storm drain, but that didn't work either.  After a few minutes the guy in the window yelled to him.

"HEY!"  He looked up.


This was obviously good advice; he did so.  As he put the flat tire and the jack back into the trunk, he had a thought.

"THANKS!" he yelled back to the guy at the window.  "THAT WAS REALLY SMART.  IF YOU'RE SO SMART, WHY ARE YOU IN THERE?"

The guy yelled back.  "I MAY BE CRAZY, BUT I'M NOT STUPID."
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One of Grandad's stories:

One time, Jesse James went into a barbershop.  He grabbed the guy in the chair, threw him across the room, and said "I'm Jessie James.  Give me a shave, and if you give me so much as one little nick, I'll blow your head clean off!"

And he sat down in the barber chair.  Well, the barber lathered him up and proceeded to give Jessie the best shave he'd ever had.  Not one nick, not one cut, not one burn, and smooth as a baby's butt.

Jesse paid him, gave him a gold piece as a tip, and said, "You know, I really wouldn't have shot you.  I just like to watch people get a bad case of the shakes when they realize who they're dealing with.  Most folks can't even bring a razor close to my face, let alone shave me.  How'd you manage it.?"

"Well", the barber said, "I just figured if I nicked you, there's a $5000 price on your head, dead or alive.  And I had a razor next to your throat."

Jesse was the one who left the barbershop with a bad case of the shakes.
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One of Grandad's stories:

Once Upon A Time, Abe and Zeke had some kind of a dispute, and they decided that the way to settle it was with a wrestling match.  They decided that when one of them had had enough, he'd say "sufficiency".  They fell to fighting, and Abe just didn't have a chance.  Zeke was all over him.  Zeke threw him down, twisted his arms and legs into pretzels, and banged his head on the ground -- but Abe wouldn't give up.  As this went on, Zeke got tireder and tireder, but Abe still wouldn't give up.  Finally, Zeke was totally exhausted, and he rolled over and said "sufficiency".

"That's the word!"  Abe said.


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